Why Divorce Escalates So Quickly
The Restorative Divorce Podcast – Season 4, Episode 1
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Watch the episode, here.
Introduction
Most families do not begin divorce wanting war.
They begin overwhelmed, afraid, exhausted and unsure of who to trust.
Yet within weeks, many families find themselves in escalating legal conflict, reacting emotionally, spending large amounts of money, and losing sight of the future they hoped to protect.
Today I want to talk about why that happens and why I believe divorce often escalates far faster than families ever intended.
Welcome to the Restorative Divorce Podcast. I'm Erin Birt, family law attorney, mediator and creator of the Kitchen Table Divorce and Restorative Divorce Approaches.
For more than 20 years, I've worked with families navigating divorce, parenting issues, mediation and conflict resolution.
What I've seen repeatedly is that many families do not necessarily need more conflict. They need more structure, more education and more thoughtful guidance early in the process.
Today's episode is the beginning of our season four series centered around the Kitchen Table Divorce.
Why Do People Enter Divorce Emotionally Flooded?
A few things that come to mind:
• Fear about finances
• Fear about children
• Fear about losing control
• Pressure from friends and family
• Internet overwhelm
• Lawyer shopping while emotionally reactive
The legal system often rewards escalation.
There are emergency filings, reactive motions, positional negotiation, adversarial framing and delays that increase frustration.
The Emotional and Financial Cost of Escalation
The cost of escalation is something that people rarely think about.
There are emotional costs and financial costs.
There's emotional exhaustion when you escalate things to a judicial remedy.
There's a financial depletion that also results from that journey.
There's clearly going to be a damage to co parenting relationships because the cost of escalating to the legal system often creates that scenario of a winner and a loser.
And something that parents don't want, but they neglect to think about is the long term stress that the judicial system places on the children.
Kids know when mom and dad or their parents are going to court.
They hear things.
They hear you on the telephone prepping with your attorney. They hear you talking to your co parent in perhaps not the best manner.
They understand where you are in the judicial process more than you realize as a parent.
What Families Actually Need Earlier
What families actually need earlier before they go to court.
What I like to call divorce court prevention.
They need somebody to help them gain information about the process, provide structure to the divorce process, allow them time to reflect on what they want or what things they don't want.
They need to be able to plan with somebody that is neutral and not emotionally attached to the situation.
Families also need calm decision making capabilities.
They need an environment that allows for neutrality and allows for them to feel calm and not protective or afraid.
They definitely need education before litigation and currently anybody can file for divorce. You don't have to learn about alternative, excuse me, pathways.
And they don't often get that education before litigation.
Why I Created The Kitchen Table Divorce®
One of the reasons that I created the Kitchen Table Divorce was because I kept seeing families enter the legal system far earlier than necessary.
They often needed a roadmap before they needed a courtroom.
Divorce does not begin with panic.
Sometimes the most important thing a family can do is slow down long enough to understand the options before conflict or reactiveness takes over.
Closing Thoughts
In our next episode, we'll talk about what the Kitchen Table Divorce actually means and why the metaphor matters.
If you are searching for a more thoughtful, structured and child-centered approach to divorce in Wheaton, Naperville, Glen Ellyn, or surrounding DuPage County communities, explore The Kitchen Table Divorce® and Restorative Divorce® resources at BirtLaw.com.
You can also schedule a call to learn more about mediation, planning sessions, and out-of-court divorce options designed to reduce unnecessary conflict and help families move forward with greater clarity and stability.
