Why Fighting Can Actually Be Productive In Divorce Mediation

Posted by Erin Birt | Aug 25, 2016 | 0 Comments

For many people, divorce mediation can be helpful at opening up channels of communication between parties to air their individual thoughts, desires, and expectations.

It can also provide the opportunity for either party to air specific feelings of sadness about the divorce, fears about the future, and anger at their partner for past hurts large or small.

That last one often can include some pretty explicit and creative name-calling, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, says Dan Simon in a recent blog on Mediate.com. Below are some of Dan's reasons why mediators and couples should be open to this strategy in mediation.

  • IT'S QUITE POSSIBLY THE TRUTH. “Mediation can be an opportunity for parties to speak their truth, to name reality as they see it. After having been perhaps horribly mistreated by the other party, the opportunity to tell them what they really think of them is an essential part of a process that's intended to meaningfully address the conflict,” says Simon

  • IT CAN BENEFIT THE NAME-CALLER. According to Simon, once the naming party gets it off his or her chest, so to speak, in the presence of the mediator, it's quite possible they can then calmly discuss other key aspects of the divorce process such as property division or child support.

  • IT CAN BENEFIT THE PERSON BEING NAMED. “The namee may become more aware of just how angry the namer is; they may gain insight that the namer is out of control, which might inspire the namee's compassion; the namee might reflect more deeply on their own behavior that inspired the namer.” It also allows the namee to decide whether to sit there and take it or respond in kind with the mediator there for support.

In Simon's view, “Mediation is supposed to be about self-determination.” This includes both parties being able to engage each other, say what they need (or want) to say, and even walk away when it suits them.

Parties using divorce mediation generally want the best results for everyone involved. That's why they chose to mediate. If it takes some name-calling to reach that end, couples should be open to experiencing it and mediators should be ready to let it happen in that safe space they provide for their clients.

As an experience divorce mediator, I can help you successfully work your way through all aspects of this process. Contact mefor more information.

About the Author

Erin Birt

Since 2003, Erin N. Birt, J.D., CADC has focused her practice on parenting time, divorce, mediation, and substance abuse issues. Ms. Birt's unique background in both family law and addictions counseling help her clients successfully navigate the complex issues of coparenting and divorce. Ms. Birt also devotes her time to presenting at continuing education seminars for attorneys, mediators, and counselors.


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